Forgiveness: The Why, What, and How

This means you must decide that you are going to forgive and move on.

If you were wronged, it's not wrong for you to feel angry about what happened. Just decide, though, that you aren't going to hold onto that anger while awaiting the apology that will never come. Or awaiting some other outside action. Forgiveness does not need to be a response to someone else for you to do it.

Two don'ts:

• Don't confuse reality with perception. Often, we assign far more importance to a slight than it actually merits. Or we get it wrong entirely. For example, some friends of mine invited me to a musical event in which the wife was playing an instrument. I'm an early riser, and this event started not long before my normal bedtime. I attended, spoke with them during the half-time intermission, and left just as the intermission ended. To me, I had gone above and beyond the call because my support of them resulted in my staying up late and being sleep-deprived for the next several days. They saw it differently, and took great offense at my leaving when I did. They thought I had snubbed them, when the opposite was true.
   
• Don't look for the "hidden meaning" and thereby delay the healing process. Many people view negative events as serving some deliberate purpose of a higher power or their own life plan. And they look for whatever that meaning is, instead of letting go of the negative emotions. Consequently, the original negative emotions remain and are compounded by frustration or confusion. The answer they seek almost never exists or requires a delusion to come into existence. Sometimes, bad things happen just because another person is a psychopath or has some other moral defect. Or is just ignorant and insensitive. It's not about you, it's not your fault, and it didn't happen to teach you a lesson.

Many people think they need to confront the other person, then get an apology, then extend forgiveness. This is not the correct order. First, you forgive. Then you approach the other person with forgiveness already in your heart. This allows you to, without malice, tell the other person how you felt injured (or were injured). An apology isn't necessary for your well-being. If the other person apologies, that benefits the other person.

If someone else apologizes, don't respond by sloughing off the offense unless it actually was no big deal. If it was no big deal, you can state that and just forget the incident ever happened.

But if it's a recurring offense or a major one, you can:

• Accept the apology without condition.
• Say you will accept the apology with condition.

With condition means you have an "only if" for accepting the apology. An "only if" needs to be related to the offense. It has no relation to forgiveness, though. "John, I forgive you. But I will accept your apology as sincere only if you give me back the $20 you stole from me."

In some cases, it is not possible to repair the damage that has been done. Consider, for example, the murder of Nicole Simpson. Of course, O.J. was unrepentant and never apologized. Admitting his grisly crime would have made the case for prosecution even stronger than the nearly airtight case it already was. But suppose he had apologized. That would not have brought Nicole back to life (or Ron Goldman, either).

In cases where it's not possible to undo what was done or simply shrug it off, forgiveness is difficult and an apology hard to honestly accept. If you find yourself unable to forgive the other person or accept an apology due to the nature of the offense, it is worthwhile to seek professional help. Not because there is something wrong with you (there isn't), but because if you don't get past this situation you will continue to suffer harm from it.